This is strange. I can only study in the wee hours of the morning. So I put my phone away for hours and hours in the day but got hooked onto other things instead, which meant another day wasted. Then I fell asleep at 11, woke up at 1:30, tried studying and WOW I could concentrate. Too bad I kind of dropped dead after 2 hours and had to stagger to my bed (napping at the table wouldn't keep your mind awake! Yes I meant STAGGER) Why hadn't I tried sleeping at 9 and waking up at 2 to study??

{edit}
10 years from now, I'm going to hate the person I am right now. How I give up too easily and all. It's 2am, I'm blasting rock music through my speakers, half of me wondering what I've done today. At least I'm doing something now, I guess... I love midnights so.

& I've come to a conclusion that I listen to pretty much anything and many songs have the potential to be highly addictive (like drugs) regardless of its genre. It's really easy to get hooked onto a song but you'll know which genres you REALLY love when you go back to them again and go "woah I forgot this music is THIS great".

So I'm back at my Jpop/poprock phase since they're kind of catchy and.. everything about Ueda (and the songs he composes) makes you want to p

Can someone tell me why my grammar is getting worse? It annoys me to no end! Makes me not want to speak at times.
{/edit}

Soothe your mind

Sarah Mclachlan - Answer

'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind

---

This one's on my "top rated" playlist, which I'd classify under the "norah jones kind of music". It isn't jazzy but both their soothing voices make you feel as though you're underwater and slowly sinking to the bottom.

I wrote a poem about this feeling on 23rd june 2010. Some kind of a lousy poem that is but that's how this song makes me feel, though slightly more positive since I'm not depressed anymore.

Actually, that was about dying peacefully and finally escaping from this world that the girl didn't belong in. (which was me, then) I think I was listening to "answer" the other time too.

I like the word ethereal.

-------------------

I shall end this off with another song by her :)


Sarah Mclachlan - Angel

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay

There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

There wouldn't be outcasts if nobody was the same.
Rather, no outcasts if people weren't expected to be the same.
How can one be 'different' if not for the word 'same'?

Not everyone's born a speaker, or a talker.

Since young, we were taught "ways to be a better speaker", made to go through presentation after presentation -- all for the aim of preparing us for society. Because they'll only hire you when you know the 'correct' way to speak, how to package things nicely, or how smiling more would gain you greater acceptance.

Trainings to help express ourselves better and to connect with others is, of course, good. But somehow, it feels as though some of us are losing more and more of ourselves as we grow older.

-----------

For the extroverts, it can be done really easily. But how about the 30% *rough figure* of the introverts on earth? Must they be forced to put on an approachable front just to fit in? Calling them "cold", "distant" and "anti-social" would eventually pressurize them to change into somebody they're not, for it is only natural to want to fit in.

These people are the ones whose personalities grow onto you after awhile, after they get used to you and break out of their shell. Or they might really have little to speak of. If humans were allowed to be themselves, there wouldn't be people desperately trying to find things to say even though they know it doesn't feel like themselves at all. There wouldn't be pain of the disapproval of oneself just because they're not like the majority.

The majority makes use of great numbers to impose a sense of superiority over the minority. All they have are numbers. Everyone's special the way they are, so they shouldn't worry about being different from the majority.

---------------------------------------------

If they didn't make us all go through the same processes, if they didn't make us fit into molds, wouldn't life be much more interesting? I think we'd be able to learn more from each other if we were allowed to reveal our true selves. Of course we have a choice to not care about fitting into society, but honestly, who would want that? Where did the idea of 'fitting in' come from?

The thing is, the word "different" wouldn't exist without the word "same", which is like "outcast" as opposed to "fitting in". If the world allowed everyone to be who they were born to be, if everyone wasn't expected to be the same, there wouldn't even be someone 'different'. Just unique beings.

Do we live to fit into society, or do we live to be ourselves?

First love - addicted to you (Tokyo Kosei Wind Orchestra)
(band and orchestra music are still the best mood setters)


This song made me tear while I was thinking about all the things people said to me throughout the day, and while reading a note my friend wrote for me. 1:20 to 2:10 gives a very forward-looking kind of feeling, like the kind of encouragement along the lines of "yes take a brave step forward into a whole new world!"

The melody enters in a sure and steady manner.. moments later, a saxophone solo waltzes in like.. a beautifully dressed, classy young lady full of poise. She does a curtsey to her admirers (the flautists). The melody seems to symbolize a kind of confidence and (then the next saxophone solo comes in, louder).. she takes a greater step, more sure about herself than ever before. The flutes draw an end to the melody, as if symbolising the end of this "introductory walk" of the girl on the red carpet.. and then the doors start to open up and she is greeted by a whole new world, (jazzy, swing kind of music), a world of adults I suppose.

-

This segment gives me this kind of feeling, somehow.. stepping into a whole new world. Maybe this imagery came to me while I was thinking about what others said today? It's like drawing confidence from others and stepping out for the first time, realising how wonderful this self-belief can be. (can be)

Belief? None of it here, sir.

I'm really thankful to those who came for the Art exhibition today (kaiying, annia, siyun), my friend who wrote me the note, the other one who had a short talk with me at the traffic lights and the teacher I talked to at exhibition. Professional critique/comments feel much more real.

But at the end of the day, I still feel pretty inadequate. I fear the reaction from the rest, of those who do not like it. I feel inferior when others place my work aside and admire the rest. I fear the "oh, it's nice" from people who look like they try too hard to find nice things to say about my work. They make me forget the genuinely nice comments. I really wish people would say something bad about my work and areas for improvement. I feel so uneasy when people praise me. It doesn't feel real unless it comes with critique.

In all honestly, I felt the work wasn't that bad by itself because it marks my progress. Not great, not exactly bad either. But is that enough? No, not really. Not with tons of people better than I am.

--------------------------------------------

I'm my greatest enemy. Even after all these, I find it far too difficult to believe in myself. It's been my stumbling block since young, but it seems to have gotten worse throughout the years. It makes me give up and honestly, I've given up on the A's long ago, telling myself it's impossible for miracles to happen ever since we stepped into the "TWO MONTHS BEFORE A's!!" period.

Had I planned to drag it till the end of the A's and let myself fail and have an excuse to retake it and (probably) have more time to catch up even though I know I'll never change? (just look at what I did during the O's..) Why have I let myself accept this "reality" of failing?

Probably because I knew two months wasn't enough to deliver shocking results that will help me gain self-satisfaction. Perhaps procrastinating gives me the excuse of being helpless so I could have another go at it, and to start earlier the next time round.

The question is, when will I ever be satisfied with myself?
Just what on earth do the words "trust" and "belief" mean?

-----------------------------------

I'll end this post with "kizuna" (bond). Not exactly related to what I was saying above, but it's a great song to end a post with!


Kazuya Kamenashi - Kizuna

I really love this song even though Kame annoys me alot. All that matters is how great a song is. We shouldn't measure the quality of a song by the consistency of a singer. God, I suck at expressing myself but you do get what I mean right? It'll be a great song to play during a friend's departure cause it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside!

Please listen to it, especially the chorus and the line "一歩づつでいいさ　この手を離さずに" from 0:48 to 1:24. AND 3:03 to 3:44.

No scrape that I like the starting too.

ueda appeared at 3:00 & 3:26 to 3:28!

Warning: senseless, brief fangirling moment

not to the extent of fangirling, actually. (I hate that word!)

(kpop doesn't appeal to me, somehow. There are definitely nicer japanese songs but well.. for the love of ueda! )

Ueda Tatsuya - Love in Snow

I've been listening to the japanese songs I used to go crazy over back in secondary school & I find myself falling in love with Ueda again~

What's there not to love about a musically inclined, pretty, insecure, sensitive, mysterious guy of few words? (with a really radiant smile when he's happy). Or maybe I'm attracted because his moodiness reminds me of myself alot, or how he doesn't exactly like listening to others. Did I mention about this totally cool aura around him?

Anyway, he wrote the song above! Pardon the funny translations, just listen to the melody and be prepared to put it on repeat~ Ever since I tried figuring out the notes for the piano solo, I've been hooked onto my piano (for the lack of a better word).

So I'm now back to my classical music too, it keeps me really happy (and distracted). Well, I give up. Banning myself from the computer is of no use, my thoughts are my biggest distraction anyway.



KAT-TUN - Yorokobi no Uta

I don't exactly like this song but he's so attractive here!!

forward to 1:18 - 1:20, 2:20 - 2:24, 2:35 - 2:43, 3:47 - 3:50!
3:14 to 3:17 where he sings "kimi ga iru"!


After all these (whatever diarrhoea this is)..
time to hit my books again!

I've been a really bad friend to those I didn't care much about (regardless of whether they see me as someone important or not). It's been like that since primary school, cutting ties as long as I didn't feel close enough/didn't feel like getting close. Abit too late for me to express my apology, or even if I wanted to talk to them again, I'm sure they wouldn't want to. Who would?

Should those I love chose to leave (of course, not all will), it'd be rather empty in this world of mine. I really don't know what trust is all about. There's no such thing surrounding me. Yet at other (rare) times, I trust too easily. Just who on earth am I?

Well you see, I'm fond of taking posts down.

I'm still hooked onto manhattan and cliffs of dover! I really really can't wait for the A's to end so I can find the sexiest guitar that'll catch my eye (determined to learn it well!), continue with my piano lessons, read, sync my ipod, shop for albums and watch movies/dramas!!

My friend I've known since the start of the year (we don't talk much though) says I don't look like I have any worries at all.. :O

2 more weeks... and I'm screwed for life. Nah, kidding I wouldn't be screwed even if I fail this time round! I think people never understood what I meant by 'not studying' because the reaction was "OMG ARE YOU NUTS? What I think you're nuts!!" when I kinda explained what it meant.

Yeah I was nuts. But I won't be one the rest of my life! At least I'm not being one two weeks before the A's. Haha, two weeks..

Ice cream buffet on grad day with class! You wouldn't be able to guess the number of scoops I had :D


My neighbour's dog fifi! She comes in for milk whenever our door's open!


I miss japannnn (especially this first meal)


Happy Birthday Annia! (if you'll ever see this..)
I miss all of you.

Dear soul in me,

it really sucks to be you. Could you try being less insecure and stop being so worried and scared and limitation-oriented? And even if you can't help it, can you at least try to voice out all your concerns in the correct tone without letting emotions affect you?

Can you not try to solve everything on your own and get frustrated when others don't understand you (when you haven't explained to them your key concerns)? It's scary and completely embarrassing to have others know your emotional fears and how they affect your decisions but you just have to live with it.

Well, at least try not to feel sad when others don't understand the hell you're going through and misunderstand you. Because you haven't made yourself clear in the first place! Living alone is not the only way, and you jolly well know you can't. You have to fit into this society and that isn't easy but we have to do it anyway.

Love, your body

So I started a discussion about trees on fb.

But I really want to know if trees live forever! Will they die of 'old age', given humans don't kill them and they don't get affected by natural disasters? Well, we'll never live long enough to know..

Graduation

Everything feels different, now that I'm finally alone at home.

Why am I in no mood to write even after the (slightly) overwhelming emotions during the ceremony earlier on? I've made alot of mistakes the past two years and I don't want to remember. Still making mistakes up till today..

On the other hand, I had a nice time taking photos with my schoolmates and friends. I don't usually like asking for photos to be taken but today's an exception.

I also want to thank all those who came for the art exhibition, I really appreciate it :)

Personality/character

I was chatting with my friend via sms who told me the differences between these words, thus unlocking some questions in me which I've been searching for answers to.

-----

Personality (from the latin word 'persona', meaning 'actor's mask') - The face that one shows to the social world.

Character/real self (derivative of greek word meaning 'something imprinted and distinctive of the nature of a person or thing').

----

What we put on most of the time reflects our persona but not necessarily our true character. That is what I've been talking about, this superficiality. For the longest time, I didn't understand how superficiality is such a negative word yet I don't mean it to be bad all the time. The right word is "personality".

This world only sees the personality of others, assuming their character is flawed the moment they find something about their personality they can dismiss. This world blindly embraces those with "pleasant personalities" and forgets about how they can have a flawed character. This world sees things for their surface value, and people who try to be themselves (true character) will either put on the mask again just to fit in, or die unaccepted.

I'll die unaccepted but not give up hope of finding someone who will accept me for who I am. I do not know if that day will come, I'll only count myself unlucky if I never do.

Low Shoulder - Through the trees
(I don't really like the video but there isn't an official one )


One of those songs I play at the back of the bus when there's nothing else to play - I love how this one gives me a feeling of emptiness with its repetition of the same few bars throughout the song. Like how cycles head you towards nowhere and after awhile you get numbed by routine. It puts a whole new kind of feeling into emptiness.

I can't explain how being devoid of emotion is an emotion itself, you just have to.. feel it for yourself.

I love the way the same images flash past me when I'm on the bus. Time freezes for me in that half an hour; while the whole world is in motion (people getting off at different stops), I'll be at the back observing all of them because I'm always the last one to leave.

On lucky days, I'll find the perfect song to put on repeat (through the trees this evening), the music setting the mood and the pace for my thoughts. I just... really love this song.



Beyonce - If I were a boy

This song brings intense emotions.


I'm usually not that much of a pop person but great songs are an exception. It's hard to define what "great" is, sometimes we fall in love with songs we don't even expect ourselves to listen to.

Anything's good if it pleases my ears regardless of its genre. It's wonderful to know people who share the same taste! (mostly)

Someone whack me

so what happens after this?

I've decided that I don't like my previous posts as much (besides the music videos, of course). I prefer the softer, more vulnerable side to myself who's more interested in self-improvement.

As much as I love GP (it's the most interesting subject ever), too much arguments make me a little sick. Talking about how I'm still not doing too well, it's really more of my anxiety problem than anything else. Yes, mentality can affect you THAT much and I'm a living proof. It's such a stumbling block, ruining my studies, my life, my happiness.

That's why people who say I don't care about anything make me SO uncomfortable. In fact, I probably care about much more things than you do, just that I tend to care too much and give up. It's really tiring to be me, that I can assure you.

I'm scared of so many things in the world and limitations rule over the possibilities. Honestly, A's are really quite hopeless. Shouldn't have given up so early, but what's the use of regretting? My heart ruled my head in the past and all I can hope for is for it to not happen again. It's far too late to turn back, far too late to move forward without failing. I'm crashing into a wall, but I'll get up.

I'm just glad I'm not in that depressed state anymore, and I'll feed my soul well and proper after the A'levels. Maybe I'll take alot of time to get over all the problems, my life might be different from everyone else by then, but I'll be okay.

Nobody said life was easy, or that our paths would be the same.

Eric Johnson - Manhattan

Awesome guitar solo!



Dan Fogelberg- Leader of the band

I remember listening to this alot in sec 4.

Offline

Recently, I've been quite out of the online community. My books haven't taken over the place of my 'social life' (if you would call those a form of 'life'). I just don't feel the need to communicate like that these days. Somehow.

& I've never liked twitter. How expressive can one get when she's restricted by word counts? Unless they're interesting, random daily observances that call for attention, interesting responses, lyrics or thought-provoking one-liners. But "I'm so bored", "going to school now, just missed my bus!", "I hate breakouts" tweets?

Maybe I'm missing the function of twitter. From what I understand, some people just need "somewhere to rant". I question the amount of relief one can get. For others, it's a"platform for jokes and soccer debate" etc.. Perhaps it's for communication? But how much, besides day-to-day gossips and daily dilemma?

Personally, word restrictions, no direct commenting and how tweets do not actually follow a conversation style put me off. (wow i just discovered twitlonger.com)

-

Facebook isn't better but they do serve certain functions we find useful. I think we all know well enough so I shan't elaborate further. Yeah I admit to using it too often sometimes, guilt fills me when I find myself using it instead of spending time productively, but that is besides the point.

I do think there's a difference between using something because it's useful and... I don't know, why do people use twitter? (I still have my rotting account I check sometimes though)

(enlighten me if you may, there may be crucial things I'm missing. For the sake of making me a less naive person?)

------------------------------------------------------

I just think people are "communicating" much more than they need to, forming huge networks of acquaintances and ironically an even emptier sense at the end of the day.

& yes, going into the recent "I like it on.." campaign on facebook to promote awareness for breast cancer topic. People think facebook is a "platform to reach out to teenagers" but honestly, which youth wouldn't KNOW of the term breast cancer? This status only creates awareness for the term but do people actually try to find out more about how they can support cancer patients? (the main purpose of such campaigns)

This reminds me of advertisements. I was thinking about whether adverts can "fail" to achieve their aim. I think adverts are to remind us of the existence of such products, and even the lousiest advert can achieve that. It's success depends on its persuasiveness and that's the main aim of them right?

The breast cancer campaign merely reminds us of the existence of breast cancer which we already know of, and therefore does not serve it's function as a campaign. Okay, if you call it a meme instead of a campaign it might be better.

Still, what's the use of creating awareness when what cancer patients need is really support and help from us? It's worse when it's so suggestive and people end up passing it off as a joke. It's no joke.

The white house did shine pink spotlights on it to show its support, I don't think many were actually disturbed. I think it's all about how the topic is being treated and it has become more of a personal conversation starter.

"Now I'll present you with the perspective that you're rambling because you're operating from insecurity. You're writing alot because you hope by doing that, people would understand, isn't it? You do understand that isn't communicating right?".

"yes I know I fail at communication even though I try to, but I've never really thought of it that way.. only knew I failed."

"yes, so I'm presenting you with this perspective right now. You get where I'm coming from? It's insecurity and anxiety"

"y..eah. yes I understand".

(words in this colour are mine if you haven't noticed)

Maybe some may find the words pretty familiar and yes, I was at bukit timah, Island creamery with one of the few people on earth I trust even though he barely knows my name. Okay. Potential person I'll trust alot.

And the truth is, I do know I'm terribly insecure, I'm driven by limitations, I know it'll kill me in many aspects but I... don't know what to do. I really hope I'll get to see him soon. Rather, I hope I'll get my barrier knocked down soon. If not, I'll never go anywhere.

So I was at the bus stop,

walking around the advertisement board a bizillion times unknowingly, deep in thought. Not like I cared if others thought I was weird, so I continued pacing. Something struck me. (some might've known the reason long ago, but it struck me HARD only today)

-

It isn't because of me having major concentration problems,
or serious sleeping problems during the exams. (real bad now)

.. it's just that I've given up. Since secondary 3 or 4 actually. I'm still swimming in that pool of limitation, worry and anxiety.

Yes, I was easily distracted as a kid (feedback from teachers and parents) and I need MUCH more sleep than others to have enough energy, but I could've worked around them tactfully.

But don't judge me. You don't understand me, at all.
-

I recall those stressful four days 2 weeks back, when I had a clear goal of attaining great results, to maximise time and do what I could.. and my concentration was okay. I only gave up because I got stressed to the point I was losing part of my memory and knew that wouldn't work.

So yes, my mentality is still as such; I wouldn't make it for the A's. At least not for econs. Nobody would believe me if I said I still haven't READ (not study) more than three quarters of the content from macro, and a quarter of micro. How the hell did I do that? I wonder. MUCH MORE needs to be put in for geog, maths, gp and even art SOVA. But they're safer, at least.

I honestly haven't been able to study the past few days because my subconscious told me it's useless, it's futile. Constant "just try your best now" reminders didn't help, knowing my personality. I can't be "brainwashed" easily if I'm not convinced enough.

----------------------------------------------

So what shall I do now? Focus on the subjects I can do first.

Since I can't get rid of the mentality that I'll fail, let's see what happens. At least I won't fail at my better subjects, right?

Lonesome

Sometimes I sit and wonder why some people are lonelier than others. I always wonder why I'm one of them. Am I a bad person to be around? Or am I unknowingly ostracising myself? Everyone else has either a whole bunch of friends or is the most important person to another. I'd like the latter but I have neither. Maybe I'm really not a nice person to be around afterall. There's so much more to learn.

Just don't get yourself trapped in the cycle of misery again.

I can't be hurt much now, anyway. I'm too afraid of loving anybody too much. Sometimes I wish someone would let me love her/him as a friend with all my heart without giving me the sense I'll lose them again. Over and over again. I wish I could still love anybody as much as I did before, but no, it'll only screw my life over again.

FAQ for handwriting analysis
Complete idiot's guide to handwriting analysis
Handwriting analysis: putting it to work for you

I can't stand how I'm always more interested in analysing these things rather than studying. I'll post some of it to get them off my mind and attempt to get back to my books. I'm well aware people reading will be screaming for me to study.. so I shall after this post.

(procrastinators and absentminded people don't remember to cross their t's and dot their i's sometimes and that's me haha)

It gets more accurate only after you learn more about it because anomalies can be explained with other characteristics of the writing. At least that's what I observed when I tried and it makes sense anyway.

---------------------

From the FAQ:

Accuracy of handwriting analysis:
It is only as accurate as the analyst is talented. Most professionals claim to be 85-95% accurate. Compared to other personality assessment tools and tests, handwriting analysis is sometimes more accurate and much more revealing. When answering psychological questions in person or on paper, a person may consciously or unconsciously answer according to how he thinks he should answer rather than giving an honest reply. The clinical research is divided as to the validity of handwriting analysis. Again, it depends on who you ask.

How does handwriting reveal personality:
Handwriting is often referred to as "brain writing." Research scientists in the fields of neuro-science have categorized neuro-muscular movement tendencies as they are correlated with specific observable personality traits. Each personality trait is represented by a neurological brain pattern. Each neurological brain pattern produces a unique neuro-muscular movement that is the same for every person who has that personality trait. When writing, these tiny movements occur unconsciously. Each written movement or stroke reveals a specific personality trait.

Handwriting analysts identify these strokes as they appear in handwriting and describe the corresponding personality trait. Handwriting is like body language, but is more specific and is frozen for a more detailed analysis of our unconscious movements.

---------------------------------------

Kill me now I'll pull myself away from the chair.

{edit}Wanted to get some privacy in my own room for awhile and rested on the bed though I wasn't tired.. and ended up falling asleep. This is hopeless I'm so off focus!{/edit}

"for every person born normal, there will be one deemed a misfit"

Well, talking about the show "taboo" on national geographic, it's true people can feel out of place even though they actually aren't.

There was this man with a medical/psychological condition 'body integrity identity disorder' who always felt his leg didn't belong to him since he was a kid. Everyday he wished for it to be removed from him, and the more he sunk into these feelings of sadness, anxiety, alienation and the fear of not being understood (if he were to tell others), the more he felt "out of place".

Any normal person wouldn't have noticed he was abnormal, nobody saw him as an outcast; but he felt like one anyway. The theme of show being "misfits", it makes makes one wonder.

So is someone an outcast if he FEELS like one even though others don't see him as one?

--

Continuing... he couldn't stand those feelings in him and felt he HAD to get rid of that limb to feel much better, so he froze his leg in a tub of ice for 6 hours one day until it was completely dead and rock hard from the freezing procedure he did in his own apartment. The doctors deliberated for 10 days before they agreed to amputate his then rotten leg.

As dave accounts, his life took a 360 degrees turn, he's never felt better about himself before even though he is now disabled; he is now a much happier man with all the feelings of alienation and fear in him gone.

-------------------------------------

And the thing to note is, are we really making an attempt to help these people merely by taking pity on them? Would watching on, trying our best to absorb his emotions and condition before thinking of solutions help?

Or would there actually be a better way to understand others even though we've never been through what they have before?

How I'm writing almost everyday even though the A's are just 3 weeks away.. it does say something about how much this blog means to me doesn't it? I can't imagine life without this best friend of mine. I guess I'm comfortable with the fact that my English isn't that wonderful yet (to be improved upon after my A's!), and that shouldn't take away my purpose of writing anyway.

(CDs paired with speakers and amplifiers is the way to go too... my dad's old sound system spoils me so, I don't think I can ever live with my speakers again. Wait till I get my hands on new earphones too)

I do miss staying up till 3am.

I think the world needs more understanding amongst people.
(if communication was that easy..)

To be fair, I will try to stop passing judgements too.

When I judge a person and not agree with them, it might be that I don't understand them at that moment. Similarly, I should try to be less affected when others have misunderstood me.

Why they're acting the way they are? Would I have acted the same way if I were brought up in the same environment and went through the same experiences?

It's so easy to judge, but I can choose not to voice them out. Not only because it hurts others, but because I might not understand them enough to judge them or impose my values on them.

-

Also, "keeping quiet" doesn't mean not saying anything. If people have misunderstood us, it's important to let them know what we're thinking, perhaps it'll help both parties accept each other.

To cut it short, don't pass judgements but if people pass judgements about us that are untrue, I should tell them right away.

----------------------------------------------

But then again, we shouldn't always do only what WE think is right on the basis that others do not understand us. Sometimes there are things in life we don't see and we need someone who's been through it before to guide us through.

(I personally think it's very important for the person to have been through the same situation before cause only they'll know the situation and the kind of emotions involved well enough)

Everything's about finding a balance, isn't it?

---------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------

Sigh.. if communication was that easy, there wouldn't even be conflict on earth. It's so much easier to live alone.

I'm still quiet disturbed about how there isn't any bloody way to save the earth. We all have our own needs and needs aren't easy to compromise. Couples have enough problems, what about that multiplied by a few billion? (the entire population)

Some things I've learnt today:

I don't always have to repay our kindness by helping someone as much as they have helped me, for they may have their other friends/family members too. (eg. I don't always have to be the listening ear for someone who has listened to me before)

Showing my gratitude and doing things for them in other ways (there are so many ways of showing concern) might actually be enough.

So pay if forward and spread the love!

-------------------------------------------------------

I can't simply follow what others deem as "right" because the logic and reasoning behind it must make sense for me. It's like how a certain medicine can cure many people but you, so we can't force "good" things upon ourselves without a discerning eye, can we?

It's not as if I don't accept whatever people say about me, I just have to be convinced enough that it's good for me so.. it's not as though I don't value anybody's opinion, it just makes more sense to access something from all angles than to simply follow others' "success menu".


Also, I believe everybody makes mistakes, everybody is different and everybody changes so there isn't a reason to stay angry at anybody for long if we try to see things from their point of view.

Sincerity?

Perhaps the main point isn't in correcting that mistake;
Is it not more important
to remind ourselves to not commit it the next time round?

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Maybe people decide to do every Goddamn thing which pleases others just to save the trouble of having to explain themselves. I can't lie, I can't fake anything and I can't fake apologies either. Correction, I don't want to.

I can only say I'm sorry I don't care about some matters enough, which I guess is what hurts the most. I hope I'll learn how to, and that's probably the only way to solve the root of the problem. No way am I going to try to put on an extra sorry face just to make someone happier/less angry when I only mean half of it. It's like pretending to get your ass out of a situation. No way hell no.

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Where apologizing is for the sake of letting someone know you want to correct that mistake and to seek forgiveness, the more important part lies in not making that mistake again.

How many really mean that "sorry" they say? A sorry that would match the severity of the problem? An apology they really mean and not just done out of courtesy? Sometimes I wonder when an act of concern really comes from the bottom of one's heart.

How do people buy over acts of pretense so readily?

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Learn to love and care for others, that it shall be. And for not being able to do this, I am genuinely sorry. I'm sorry I don't care enough. For this, I really am. I'll learn, I promise.

How on earth can people coexist?

I just can't seem to get some things figured out. Everybody has different needs and it's simply too difficult to understand the needs of others when we put ours before the rest (most of the time, it's different for the case of a loved one).

On the way home, I saw a covered linkway near completion and thought about it being such a waste of resources. But I'm sure they built it because some people needed it, so me not needing it doesn't make it redundant (and therefore a waste of resources).

We can't stop a certain production line just because WE think it's a waste of resources, wouldn't SOMEONE ELSE point out how OUR need for something else is a waste too?

The thing is, everybody on earth (at least in DCs) has an increased ability to demand so much more, and with a never-ending demand from every single person, when will we ever stop producing? How much resources are being used up everyday?

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Escaping from all the madness sounds really tempting. It's not just about resource wastage or religion. Add global problems to our own, you'll realise living isn't easy at all. But I guess we're created for this purpose (?)

I wish I had the powers of not caring too much about trivial matters and do SOMETHING greater. You know, like not letting hormones affect me so I can ponder more about more important issues. (I can be saying this but a day later, something else will happen and I'll get all affected over it..yes I know)

Of all issues.
(just a tiny part of "all")

The past two hours was spent discussing the history of china, art history, music history, ancient greece, religion, consumerism and global warming with my mom. Sometimes I really wish I could stay at home and study about everything about the world instead of working.

History isn't all about war, conflicts and politics, there's so much more we can learn about the evolution of mankind. I know, learning for the joy of it is considered "time wasting" and isn't as constructive as working or earning money in this economically driven world.

I wish education was about learning and the satisfaction of inquisitive minds, not competing or scoring well for exams to gain a place in university. All we're studying for is to earn more money in the future so we can spend and drive the economy. (inserts explanation about the multiplier effect, monetary policy, etc)

Because our brains are the only resources here. And yay for university, one step closer to becoming the boss of a TNC to help destroy the world!! More carbon emission, more packaging!! Wonderful. If you're not a boss, do something meaningful, do researches, then marry someone who loves spending and contribute to the game of "destroying the world" as well! Fun, isn't it?

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In this case I mean OVER consumption. But hey, who's to define what over-consumption is? Perhaps a branded bag per day isn't considered over consumption for someone.

I myself was (and probably am) guilty of committing all these "crimes". Look, I'm killing a bizillion trees by making notes, using electricity while typing this. We're willing to pay for convenience, multiply individual consumption by the population in the world (mostly DCs) and BOOM that's how we're all gonna die soon.

We're gonna pay for the damage we have done in 20 years' time if we don't do anything. Like it's easy to do something when everybody goes back to the issue of money eventually.

The only perfect solution I can think of is to build space craft, let people on like the noah's ark, let yellowstone erupt so the earth can go through the next ice age and man will finally have a new beginning. I know I sound naive right now, but there aren't many solutions to save mankind, is there?

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Damn it, I have to go back to my books even though there's so much more to say revolving these topics. What the hell am I doing with my life? Talking about studies, I hate how GP is such a beautiful subject yet it's so exam focused, most of it's essence as a subject driven by the many perspectives is gone. I also hate myself for taking economics instead of literature.

Honestly I care more about liking the subject and learning more instead of scoring well for examinations. What the hell am I doing in a junior college then? I think I really like what we're learning and that's about it. I love how much I've learnt throughout these two years, wouldn't mind going through a few more years of education, heck the exams and do some genuine learning.

And I can do Music and Art at the same time. Perfect, huh?


(I don't know if you consider this whining, at least it's not exactly whining about myself.. right?)

Love and friendship

I usually put my all into a friendship and ignore the rest who are not so significant because I would rather use the time to develop more trust with that one person, and for our friendship to flourish into a deeper, more intense one. Trusting the other enough and trusting yourself enough to understand each others' situation.

I don't mind spending my life with just one, two (or a few) people as long as we'll be there for each other no matter what and can understand each other without speaking.

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Each time I'm on the verge of losing someone (losing that closeness with that person), I'll get emotional and really affected because it's not nice to know the person you cherish so much doesn't actually care that much for you.

At that point, it seems as though the whole world is not with you; the one is not there, and the rest you only saw as acquaintances would never bother about you either. I do have friends I love even though we don't share those deep, intense friendships, but they naturally don't affect that much.

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Maybe they feel suffocated when they're with me, and it doesn't help that I unintentionally show my emotions, making situations so tense. I don't how they interpret my behaviour, they probably think I'm angry with them when all I felt was jealousy, loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted.

Throughout these two years, I ended up with these feelings countless times. Now I've finally begun to not love anybody as much over here, so I wouldn't be hurt when they leave me. Perhaps I'm expecting too much because I myself place so much importance in that friendship.

It's tough to not expect. It's a horrible feeling to know you're protecting yourself by not loving as much. I don't want to go on like that forever. I want to love the few with all my heart and soul. I don't want my heart to turn stone cold just because of a few bad experiences.

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What I've learnt about this school (in general, of course) Most people are only capable of helping and caring for others when their own lives are managed, myself included.

Everybody here puts studies over everything else. I know that's the life of a JC student, but it's different for other colleges for they see the importance of balancing work and play/friends, in my opinion. And they don't have to spend THAT much time on the books.

Took me long enough to understand this. It's not like they're particularly selfish, it's a human thing. I shouldn't have expected anyone to care, I shouldn't have let myself be so affected by those enough to screw my emotions and studies over.

Now I'm not even capable of helping myself or others. I'm sorry I haven't been doing too much for others because my life itself is in a mess. I think I could say the rest for everyone else. I'm really not implying they're selfish, it's only important to get a hold of own lives first.

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The next time round, I'll understand situations better so I wouldn't let hurt govern my emotions and my well being. If I had understood it earlier, I'll probably be scoring much better and caring more for others as well. But what's the use of looking back? I can only make full use of time now and not commit this mistake ever again.

The only reason why I'm better is because someone has brightened my days. I guess we learn who we can cherish with time.



I'll end this with one of my favourite songs of all time:

Queen - Too much love will kill you

I'm just the pieces of the man I used to be
Too many bitter tears are rainin' down on me
I'm far away from home
And I've been facing this alone
For much too long, ohoo
I feel like no-one ever told the truth to me
About growin' up and what a struggle it would be
In my tangled state of mind
I've been lookin' back to find
Where I went wrong

Too much love will kill you
If you can't make up your mind
Torn between the lover
And the love you leave behind
You're headed for disaster
'cos you never read the signs
Too much love will kill you
Every time

I'm just the shadow of the man I used to be
And it seems like there's no way out of this for me
I used to bring you sunshine
Now all I ever do is bring you down, ooohh
How would it be if you were standing in my shoes
Can't you see that it's impossible to choose
Oh there's no making sense of it
Every way I go I'm about to lose
Oho oh!

Yeah, too much love will kill you
Just as sure as none at all
It'll drain the power that's in you
Make you plead and scream and crawl
And the pain will make you crazy
You're the victim of your crime
Too much love will kill you
Every time

Yeah, too much love will kill you
It'll make your life a lie
Yes, too much love will kill you
And you won't understand why
You'd give your life, you'd sell your soul
But here it comes again
Too much love will kill you
In the end...
In the end...

Anna managed to teach me all the statistics topics (besides probability) just within three sessions with me :D You must know that I have ZERO knowledge of stats until she had the first session with me and I'm now able to do many questions (still a long long way to go, of course). You know how to spell elation? e-l-a-t-i-o-n.

Anna lim I don't know how much to thank you for coming over to my place plus school and sacrificing your study time for this! and for making me feel so much better after that day we had in school :) So, so much better. Just cause it's you I'm going to put xoxo behind this (I don't know alot of people who use xoxo haha!) I'm suddenly reminded of this collage you did for me (with all the lovey kissy photos) early last year when I hated school so much yay :D

Think this is the third time I'm posting this!

at least we really study now :D (but that was the last time I saw such a beautiful sunset so it was worth it anyway!)


Plus SOT session was good today. It does give me a bad feeling but I've got a month minus a day to work on things right! Had a macdonald's meal at bras basah after that :D

Searching for a harmonizing partner after A's! Itching to do some acapella right now. Maybe I'll uh, find myself a mic and do it with layers after two months. Hope I wouldn't be too busy :/


Ling Kai - Larkin Step

This is a pretty old (original) by singapore singer-songwriter lingkai (now a student, I think) but it finds its way into my head once in awhile and puts itself on repeat. The melody's beautiful :)



Muse - unintended

Cause I really like this song.



Duffy - warwick avenue

and this one too.


... and a million other songs on earth. I like listening to a million bizillion genres, though some make me happier than the others.

I realised this blog doesn't really have most of the music I normally listen to, it disturbs me slightly.

Indie/Jazz (most kinds)/Concert Band/Orchestra/Oldies/abit of alternative/chinese/japanese/contemporary/cinema/pop/r&b/soul/classical/classic rock/choral and nice ones from any genre.

I'd love to share all my favourite music with everyone and play them on the piano, guitar and all the instruments on earth one day.


Last day of school... felt like it, but it was just like any other day.

Sara Bareilles - King of Anything

I'm not particularly in love with this song but the lyrics kind of describe what I'm feeling right now.

Part of my installation. It's about this; how there's nothing "right or wrong", "this or that". The cups above symbolizes how it can be "half full" and half empty" (assuming you're looking at the bottom portion), the normal symbolism for optimism and pessimism.

It's all up to us to decide. In life, it isn't all about optimism or pessimism either, but that was all I could do with cups. I wouldn't say I'm too happy with how the paintings turned out aesthetically but the idea's really what I've wanted to convey. Perhaps not ALL that I want to say, but the gist of it is there. Could have done better with the subject matter of the paintings but it's alright. I'm okay with it.

My take on (true) happiness.
Like I said, my take on it.

So I was pretty disturbed by the fact that people think I'm "too caught up in being sad to see anything else". I am not. There's something I'd like to clarify. I wrote this not for the sake of rebutting, or that I'm "stubborn like that". There's just so much people don't understand about me, here's a post to clear it.

So I have been depressed for a long time with feelings of insecurity and loneliness. It's been better these two days so I'm evidently happier. Not completely because of stress from other areas, but much better. I'll never be too caught up in sadness to see anything else. If there's a reason for me to feel sad, I will; if there's a solution to that problem, I'll be happy. Just like that.

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I was talking to Anna just now and this thought suddenly crossed my mind (btw I'm so glad today happened. Acceptance and mutual understanding is all we need isn't it? Thankyou so much :));

when people say we're "stubborn", it's more or less implying that we do not listen to others even though we're wrong (not doing what's right). But what is wrong and what is right? Everybody has their own set of morals and ethics.

Someone may feel what we're doing is wrong and therefore say we're stubborn when we don't listen to them, but someone else who agrees with us may say it's good we're standing up for our own values. So what does being 'stubborn' mean?

Bearing that in mind, I've understood, at least for today, that we really need to believe in what we think is right. For the past few weeks, my belief has been wavered by the people around me who kept pointing out my flaws. School really sucked and that plus the stress from exams was making me so insecure and emotional.

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Back to the topic about me wallowing in self pity and not being able to see happiness around me. Honestly, school had been terrible. Feeling alone is a really sucky feeling, having nobody to truly understand you is a sucky feeling. I'm not just ranting.

Perhaps you don't understand my situation just by reading this. It's so difficult to understand a person because we can never really understand someone's feelings and emotions.

Emotions are emotions, nobody can stop us from feeling the way we're feeling. For me, I'm a really sensitive person who can feel alot for many things. I'm not particularly optimistic or pessimistic. I just let myself feel the way my heart feels. I don't think it's wrong, it's just who I am.

When I'm sad, I'm able to feel extreme sadness, and I think about the problem all the time, trying to understand the situation better so I can truly feel better. It's to understand myself and others in that situation and to see what I can do about it to help me feel better.

It may take me months and years to understand a problem, but I do believe I will be able to find a way one day, that is when I will TRULY be happy. I do get happy, like today, when I'm finally able to find someone who can understand me after all those insecurities.

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You may say my happiness is short-lived, but I'd rather have "short-lived" happiness than to be "happy" my whole life, by putting problems aside or ignoring them. "looking on the bright side" does make alittle more sense (optimism), but only if I am not doing that blindly.

I feel that putting problems aside is to achieve happiness on a superficial level, like I've said in a previous post, like I'm filling a cup with a hole which will always leak even though I may feel happy at that point.

I assure you that this happiness comes from the bottom of my heart. I may feel depressed a few days later, but that's only because I feel so much for things so easily. I've been really depressed the past few days because I wasn't given a "right" to be who I am.

I also believe this "short-lived" happiness of mine will last a really long time once I understand myself and the world around me. When I gain wisdom, I think. It will take time but it is a process. Happiness isn't easy to gain, and is it that easily obtainable? Just by ignoring and trying not to look on the "dark" side? Don't we all have to go through tough times to know what happiness is?

Merely ignoring my heart will not get me anywhere, for I will only forget why I laugh, and may even doubt the genuinity of it. In the first place, it isn't genuine.

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Yes, I really dislike superficiality. I don't get why this society is like that, why we have to hide so much. But I don't feel it's unfortunate that I have to express myself. I know there are tons of people who cannot accept me for who I am but that is alright.

I will be alone most of the time, but for now I should understand that even if I wasn't alone, I wouldn't be happy with people who wouldn't understand me anyway.

This society dislikes instability and will always condemn people who are like that, and I happen to be like that. The question isn't "is there anything I can do?" but "who will accept me for who I am?". Fitting in is such a tiring thing, and we might just lose ourselves on the way.

Of course, I'll still be doing what I told myself to do in previous posts.

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About me being selfish and self-centered. I can safely say I'm a person who will do all I can for a person once I know he or she is worth my effort. For now, I may be incapable of loving others because I honestly do not love myself enough yet. Love operates from abundance.

Till that day arrives, I will be like that, but it isn't "right" or "wrong". I'll continue to search for the person (or a few people). I know I have a few friends who understand. Far from me, but distance won't keep people apart.

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Perhaps the question is, who will be the person to understand me, and where on earth in this society? Sometimes I feel like I cannot live with anybody else on earth, they're so different from me.

My purpose of living is to find someone who can accept me, vice versa. Simply put, somebody on the same frequency as me. If I die too early to find that person, should I call that fate?

Actually I wouldn't say I'm too caught up in being sad to see anything else, because I always manage to find something to be happy about at least once a day or in two days.

Final Fantasy X on theremin

Theremin anyone? Was on fb for awhile, saw a video with this dude playing songs with a ruler, then I got on youtube and found more dudes playing songs with a ruler, and there were some more dudes playing on the theremin. (click, it's wiki) Really cool instrument.



Found some great stuff today:



Scala & Kolacny Brothers - Creep

"Truly making a great song even greater".

I'm not a great fan of all of Radiohead's songs but amongst the few that I like, Creep must be my favourite. (likewise for most people, I suppose?) The rest include High and dry, No surprise, Last flowers, All I need. I think I've got their entire discography.



Scala & Kolacny brothers - The blower's daughter

If you haven't listened to Damien Rice's original, you should.
& this is one great cover on it's own imo.

When I've got the time I'll check out more about the Scala & Kolacny Brothers (funny how they're a women's choir and not boys/men/brothers.



God back to work. Text makes my eyes *_*


Hi anon. It didn't feel stupid a few months ago but now I must agree I'm dwelling too much upon them. I'll be working on that, and recently I've been showing signs of really bad EQ so that too. Sometimes I hate rereading my posts cause they're full of *complaints* and *rantings* but really I'm trying to snap out of it soon. Failed today but that's cause I didn't remind myself again hmm. But thanks for reminding me :)

Caring more about others is a natural process that comes when you love yourself enough to spread the joy to others. Perhaps it may seem as though I love myself too much because I talk about myself all the time, but I don't. There isn't use in hiding this fact. I'm looking forward to a happier me who'll be able to love others as well.

It isn't any use trying too hard to care about others when they can tell it's not from the bottom of your heart. People can tell.

Snap out of it. You can do it. So stop complaining.

Everybody around me has someone even closer to them and it makes me feel ashamed whenever I tell them they mean alot. Imagine the look on their faces when they see that.

Maybe you're going "ha-ha cause you're seriously not a nice person to be with". Maybe I think like that because that was what I thought of an acquaintance. That crossed my mind only once, and only about one person. So I create my own insecurities, in a sense.. stop it.

I'm always the one mentioning their names, I wonder if anybody thinks of me at all. Perhaps once in a blue moon. Nobody who knows who I am, everybody can only judge me for what has happened the past year. I want them to know the old me.

Losing almost every close friend you've made is frightening.

I'll retreat into my safe little shell once again. Reaching out intimidates me. Thinking about what's on their minds and actual response is terrifying. Thinking about how people important to me have a million other friends when I thought I was one of the few and investing too much in people scares me, yet I do it all the time.

Okay stop this. I'm going to start on work.

I do realise the only way to be happy is to forgive myself.

As a follow-up from yesterday's promise, I am going to do that too. Even if it's going to take forever or the help from someone wiser. Honestly, it sounds impossible. But the biggest thing I've learnt isn't about anything specific. It was to trust myself and never say "I'll TRY to". It's "I will". I'll stick to my promises from now on, if I fail to the first time, I'll be more determined the next.

Trust, belief, forgiveness. The problems probably center around these root causes, it'll be tough so please give me some time.

Should a depressed being be blamed for being depressed?
(since we control our own thoughts and emotions)

Yesterday, I promised myself to change, and so I will. I did keep to it by not running away even though I only slept 2 hours and had to rush from one place to another, not thinking too much under certain circumstances, catching myself when I'm being controlled by emotions and therefore stopping it, and most importantly I was able to free myself of the unrealistic aim killing me. One day isn't enough to change, I will work towards it.


Not enough to stop the tears from flowing again. Maybe hearing too much from others who tell me crying is pointless if I don't do anything about it made me guilty, I'll be so full of guilt everytime the hot tears roll down my cheeks. I can't stop little droplets from squeezing out of my eyes in the middle of lessons, lectures, bus rides, and everywhere I go.

Intense emotions fill me for brief moments upon hearing some things, as though a trigger has been pulled in my heart. For brief moments my vision will be blurred but no matter how hard I try to hold the tears back, as soon as I wipe them away in fear of others looking at me, fresh ones will start welling up again. But I do manage to hold them back eventually, for the fear of being discovered by those who do not understand is even greater.

I remember a taxi driver staring helplessly at me when they couldn't stop streaming down. That was the day she told me I don't have the right to cry. She probably didn't know a tenth of what I was going through then. I hate it when people think I don't work because I'm lazy. I always have books in front of me yet my heart and soul is somewhere else, in a state of depression, and probably more stressed than anybody can imagine. I detest it when people think I don't care.

I know my emotions should not be an excuse for my inaction. That's why I was wrong and I want to change. This is the worst feeling ever, the knowing whatever you've done was wrong, and even worse when what is to be blamed is your emotions.

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What I detest the most, is the fact that I always listen to what they say and end up blaming myself for what they criticize me for, even though I shouldn't let them affect me so deeply. I know very well it is in their perspective, but they might be right. They might be wrong, but it's always the right thing to blame yourself first.

The greatest thing killing me now is guilt from whatever I do, and taking the blame for everything. Even interpreting someone's tone and letting it affect you is your own fault, so what's there not to blame yourself for?

That is why I don't need anybody to tell me what's wrong with me. I know every single thing that is wrong with me, including those you don't even know of. You wouldn't want to be me, because the known flaws are much more than the strengths. Life is terrible like that.

It occurred to me that such expressions of my feelings does not justify my act of keeping many things to myself.

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It's my fault for letting emotions control me, and using my brain to make sense of nothing. But do my emotions really have to take the blame? Or is there something else that I haven't seen or understood?

Please give me an answer to the title of this entry.

If I were to ever retake my A's, I'll take it as a private candidate. At least the people who talk to me will be the ones I know well even though it'll be lonely. I hate school and how my life changed in two years.

I hate how I'm full of hate, but I don't hate people. It'll be so much easier if I were to hate others. Way easier than this.

I know what I hate the most. I hate how I strip myself of the right to be depressed right after I don't feel happy. Imagine blaming yourself for whatever you have done. I also hate how I still hate myself for being like that, for life would've been simpler if I were someone else.

Life would've been simpler if I were someone else.

Dear me,

please be brave and take the first step. To change. Without making any excuses. Please be strong and take that first step. Please start to trust others and yourself, because if you don't, nothing will ever change. So stop saying you don't know where to start. Take a leap of faith. Start trusting and you'll stop those insecurities. Don't force yourself to stop crying but know that you'll stop crying because you won't have to anymore and you can do it. You can do it.

I feel like I hold the strength to my own life for once. For the first time, I feel like I don't have to say "I can't stop my tears from falling, I can't help it, I really don't know what to do". There are people have made things seem really negative, those who faulted me for being this way without offering a solution, those who may not even believe in me, but that won't bring me down. (I'll just kick the "but..I know I will give up in the end anyway" part).

Coffee to go with SOVA essays for tonight, SOT in a few hours, Art after that, and maths till night. I'll be alright!


(thanks for doing so much for me, I never believed anybody would EVER sacrifice so much time for me even though I might not be the most important few. I thank you from the bottom of my heart, I really do.)

"You know.. if I had the chance to have your brain, I wouldn't want it cause I'd be so stressed :X" - best quote from a friend.

I hate how I hate myself so much. I hate how I'm afraid of others blaming me when I'm the one putting the worst blame on myself.

words from an extremely stressed student

It's been 5 days since my last entry.. I'm kind of glad I haven't been going on full gear since j1 year. I think I'd just die. Haven't been switching on the computer for the past 4 days (drop your jaws)..

Honestly, I'm just glad I didn't spend the past 2 years studying like crazy, just that I should have started 4-5 months ago and not 5 weeks before the A's. & I'm starting from ground 0 for econs and mathematics. I know I was stupid but I couldn't control my emotions then, okay? I have weak mental power and yaddayadda. Not like I can control my stress now..

The textbooks are so boring, things only get interesting when I ask teachers about what's beyond the syllabus (which I believe is what we REALLY need in the real world).

Well, they always tell me I should draw the line and learn what's in the textbook because we need to do that to SCORE for the bloody exams. I think it really defeats the purpose of education. If I had started earlier, I would've grasped all the concepts in a jiffy and learnt more about what's beyond the textbooks. Too late.

Enough of complaints, anyway.

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Pardon my simplistic sentence structures (or perhaps even incoherent ones), I'm facing a really huge problem now and it appears to be memory loss and the inability to express myself. This irritates me to no end, and I owe it all to stress. You wouldn't understand the extent of the problem if you weren't me because most people would go "loss of memory is just part and parcel of a jc kid's life".

The fact is that it's so bad I keep getting weird stares from EVERYONE because I can't think of any words to explain what I'm thinking, plus I keep stuttering. Imagine doing econs and asking the teacher "wait... uh.. monetary.. fiscal.. supply side.. they're uh.. what? policies? no wait.. uh... wait..my brain is dead.. wait...oh.. yeah policies. right? monetary stuff.. they're policies right?"

and conversations will be like "pr..probabry..bably..probably like that?" I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING LIKE THAT. I'm not even exaggerating. IT'S BLOODY ANNOYING.

Well forget it, it's impossible to explain. I suppose this problem would fade away once I'm not that stressed.. which means it wouldn't be solved. I think I forgot I can't even express myself even if I've got the logic in my head. Damn.

So I wouldn't let myself do badly just because I screwed up all the way up till now and I'm going to make up for that loss.

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I'm terribly stressed to the point I'll cry over every little thing and all those damned insecurity problems are coming back to me. Not switching on the computer for 4 whole days is honestly record breaking for me, and you should at least give some credit to a person like me who normally spends her time in front of the computer instead of work.

Maybe this sudden change is what's killing me. All within a week, I've transformed into this hardworking person so eager to stuff information into her mind. But I think it isn't doing me any good at all, because after just 4 days, my brain has showed signs of it ceasing to function properly. Damned stress.

But it doesn't mean I didn't care in the past even though I was unable to do work. Fine, I accept I have weak will power, but I bloody hate people who go "WHAT, YOU OF ALL PEOPLE, STRESSED?!" or "HAHAHA, DO YOU EVEN CARE?!" (when I tell them I'm worried). At times like these I would really like to stick some finger at them because they don't understand.

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So I've been crying over friendship insecurities and studies for today, what next? I'm just glad I finally talked to my friend in school about everything and especially my childhood.

I reminded myself of how I was the student every teacher doted on and actually topped the class in subjects :( and how I used to be a fast learner as a kid and how my ex-maid called me recently to tell me she was proud of me for learning the alphabets before I was 1. You know.. just to boost my confidence a little at a time like this.


I'll end it with how I'm really, really, really stressed and no amount of words can describe the EXTENT of it, and my mood swings explain it too. And it gets worse when I feel guilty for having mood swings.

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God I miss blogging so much, it's still the only way I can express myself properly, where I'm given ample time to think (especially with me facing this memory problem) and still be able to tell others what I'm thinking. Not like they'd be reading.

Somebody save me (I know everybody would be too busy to bother and I'm the only one who can save myself since everybody will tell me it's my own bloody fault for not studying earlier anyway). Just shut the hell up, okay? I really don't need you people reminding me how I was wrong. I know I was. My pessimistic nature doesn't help either. Who can I turn to when I need to calm down? Nobody. Yay.